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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It annoys my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that counseling might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or exposure, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and worry.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This journey will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.